


It's Cold Here Without You

by Omoni



Category: Avatar: The Last Airbender
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-10-23
Updated: 2010-10-23
Packaged: 2017-10-12 20:29:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,848
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/128738
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Omoni/pseuds/Omoni
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After discovery that Sokka and Toph are in love, Suki embarks on a journey to heal and, along the way, find her true self. Implied one-sided Sokka/Suki with Sokka/Toph.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Writer's Note: This is one of those fics that sort of appeared into my brain fully-formed and would not leave until I wrote it all down. I have no idea where it came from or why. Basically, it's a Toph/Sokka fic, with one-sided Suki/Sokka, and unlike most Toph/Sokka fics, it's not very happy ;.;. Sorry.
> 
> Warning: Occurs post-series and contains spoilers.

It was colder in the south.

Suki didn't realise how much colder it was until she got there. She had always thought that Kyoshi Island was cold, but the South Pole...it was far colder.

"Suki," Sokka said softly, his eyes wide, his face paling at the sight of her. Beside him stood Toph, her small body wrapped in blue layers of soft material, her eyes wide and sightless but her face drawn. Between them, their hands were clenched, their gloved fingers intertwined.

She felt like a fool, standing there, her arms held out, her face a mask of happiness, her heart still racing at the thought of seeing Sokka again, after so long. Months of silence, of confusion and worry, she was here, finally here...

And now her heart had felt like it stopped, and wouldn't beat again.

"Sokka, I..." she began, then stopped. She what? She had chased him to the south? She hadn't heard from him and thought he had been hurt? She hadn't realised that Toph was here, that Toph was _always_ here, that it was _always_ Toph...

She bit back that stream of thinking. She wouldn't submit to that. She still wasn't sure.

So she tried again. She plastered on that fake smile. She kept her hands open. "I was just around, and..." A lie. She wasn't _just around._ She barely had time to herself on the Island, let alone time for a pleasure cruise in icy waters. "I was just wondering..." Another lie. She wasn't _just wondering_ ; she was worried sick. "I mean, I hadn't heard from you in a while and I thought..." Thought what? That he was _hurt_? That he was _in trouble_? Not the obvious, the easiest, that he had _forgotten_ about her?

Sokka stared at her. Right into her eyes. She stared back, thinking of days and weeks spent staring into those eyes, finding so much there - such warmth and love and joy - only to look into them now and see only regret and dread and shame.

* * *

It happened almost a year ago. Sokka was called back home in order to help with rebuilding at his father's side. "It's only for a few weeks," he had said, his arm thrown over his eyes, his other hand holding hers. They lay side-by-side together, naked and slick with fast-drying sweat, but content. Suki felt her heart do a little flip, but she bit it back. She would miss him, but understood that duty sometimes had to come first. "Once Dad and I have everything worked out I should be able to go home, no sweat."

She nodded. "Really, it's okay," she said, smiling. She squeezed his hand, and he lowered his arm, looking over at her with worried eyes. "I know you'll come back."

He smiled at her then, a promise of sorts. It was one he was bound to break eventually. She should have known that.

A few weeks became a month. A month became a season. Suki kept writing, kept trying to keep the communication going, unable to accept that perhaps things had changed. Her letters never ceased, but his trickled to a stop a few months later.

But then she heard that Toph had gone to the south a few months ago, had stayed so long that she was considered a member of the Tribe. And then she felt fear - real fear - flash through her.

 _I have to know for sure._

Her Warriors - her friends, her family, really - had tried to convince her to stay home. "We need you here, Suki," Sakana said, her voice hard. The other girls nodded, their faces showing various degrees of pity and sadness. "Sokka should be fine. The Long Nights are coming and we need you here. You can't just leave."

She knew. She knew how logical it was. She knew that Sakana was right, and that she was overreacting.

But inside, her heart was blind. Inside, all she could feel was pain.

* * *

And now she knew.

Sokka stood several feet away from her, but he could have been inches from her and it would still feel like miles of land stood between them.

"I kept trying to write to you," he said softly, his back to her, his head lowered and his hands clenched behind his back. Toph wasn't there - Suki didn't know where she was. "But everything I wrote sounded so...lame. It sounded so wrong. I kept tearing them up, promising I would write you later, but..."

Suki's words snapped out before she even thought of it. "Like you _promised_ you would come back?"

He winced. Didn't deny it. Didn't protest or defend himself.

Suki hated herself for feeling so vindictively pleased in causing him that moment of discomfort.

* * *

"It just sort of _happened_..."

Suki wanted to sigh, but she held it in. Toph's words were probably honest, but she knew that things like this never just _happened_. Toph and Sokka had always had the chemistry - it was probably only a matter of time before something like this would happen.

 _So, then, why does it hurt so much?_

Toph lowered her head, biting her lip. Her hair was plaited and woven with blue. Her feet were shod in light leather boots. She looked at home. She looked loved.

 _I want to hate her. I want to hate them both...but I can't._

She reached down and placed her hand on the top of Toph's head. The younger girl blinked, raising it. She looked scared, sad, and her eyes were actually _full_...Suki sighed now, unable to hold it in. There was nothing she could do about it.

Carefully, she stroked Toph's bangs with a gentle touch. The tears in those milky eyes fell free.

* * *

She left in the morning. She had no choice; the ship was docked and she had to wait for the traders to finish. She had to sleep alone, in the communal house. She had to endure a day and a half of watching Sokka and Toph in love, unable to do anything about it. She couldn't even look away.

They were so happy. She knew that. The bigger part of her, the one that she wished had control of her heart, could see it and couldn't fault them of this.

But that selfish part had always thought that perhaps Sokka would always be _hers..._

From the deck of the ship, she watched the two blue figures standing together on the shore bid her farewell. Within her breast, her frozen heart finally shattered.

* * *

She didn't go back to Kyoshi. She stayed on the ship. Her feet wouldn't move. She knew she was needed. She just couldn't move.

"Suki," Azaki's voice was soft, but Suki couldn't see her through the blur of tears, the curtain of pain. "What happened? Why won't you come off the ship?"

Suki's mouth opened, but no sound came out. All she could see was plaited black hair and clasped gloved hands. All she could feel was cold.

* * *

Eventually they let her go. "You can't stay on the ship," Mikku said, her voice hard. "You have to come home."

Those words woke her a bit. She looked up slowly, then shook her head. "I don't know where home is now," she admitted helplessly.

Zayi pushed past Mikku and cupped Suki's face into her hands. "Then you need to find it," she said softly.

Suki nodded.

She left with the traders that very night.

* * *

For a while, Suki walked aimlessly through the Earth Kingdom. She abandoned her robes and paints, leaving them on the ship to be returned back to the Island. She walked the word without much money and no plan, nothing on her person signifying that she was from Kyoshi.

She should have been an easy target. A lone woman, looking dazed and hurt, alone and walking pathways not travelled by most.

The only time she woke was when someone tried to hurt her. Then she was like fire, the element she hated for most of her life. She blazed to life, her body moving of its own will. Her blood sang hot in her veins, her mouth split into a grin of joy. Her heart mended just a bit, her rage and pain taken out on people who deserved it but had no real connection to it nonetheless.

She was like a hurricane; a force of nature with no bias, alive only to destroy.

* * *

During the day, she was fire. During the night, she was dying embers.

She hurt. It was inevitable, unavoidable. Sokka had been her first love, her first _real_ love. He had taught her so much - not just romantically, but about life as well. He had shown her another way to live, one outside of Kyoshi. He had freed her from prison without once looking back. He had fought with her, bled with her, watched death and chaos with her - and even caused some of it while laughing. She had thought he always would be there. She had thought they were partners for life.

Now, he was partners with someone else. And the worst part? She actually could see it working out well. She _knew_ she didn't have a place there.

Curled up beneath trees and covered in dirt, Suki's eyes stayed open. Her vision prismed with the tears of her loss.


	2. Chapter 2

  


Suki wasn't sure when she was suddenly able to wake up dry-eyed, but it did happen.

Her eyes just opened slowly, and she turned her head and looked up at the sky. She was lying on her side, under a large canopy provided by a tree, and her clothes and hair were tangled and dirty due to days of neglect.

In the cold morning air, with dew on her clothes, Suki looked up at the cloudy blue sky above her and thought, quite clearly, _What am I doing?_

She rolled onto her back, throwing her arms and legs out akimbo. Her breaths came out in faint clouds and her body shook with cold that she found she didn't really feel.

 _The Long Nights,_ her mind thought suddenly. _I forgot. I can't believe it…_

Slowly, she pushed herself up, sitting up and leaning back onto her hands. Her head still tilted back, her eyes on the slow-moving clouds.

 _What I would give to be a cloud…_

She couldn't go back. She knew that much was true. She felt it in her bones that, right now, going back to Kyoshi was out of the question. It was rich with too many memories, too many things that could set her off. She was already feeling so fragile enough, and she was miles from the Island.

 _Come to think of it, I have no idea where I am…_

She was hungry, and thirsty, and starting to feel cold. She had lived in a haze of rage and sadness for long enough, seeing only red and living life as a whirlwind of vengeance.

 _But it's not even towards the right people…_

And yet…even though she felt more awake than she had ever since leaving Kyoshi, she still felt that raw, jealous and furious hate in her breast.

 _But it's not Sokka or Toph I hate…_

With a snarl, she flung herself back down, her hands going to her face, her nails nearly digging into her skin. She gritted her teeth and squeezed her eyes shut, trying to will the hot tears in her eyes back into her ducts, but of course they would not obey.

But they thawed her out, at least. When they finally stopped, she felt drained but far lighter. With a final cough, she got to her feet and started walking, unsure of where she was going but fine with it as long as it had food and drink.

* * *

"You, miss, look like you've been sleeping under a log."

Suki blinked, her eyes squinting against the sudden lighting change, trying to adjust. She frowned, not liking the tone of voice or the words that were said, but who was she to judge? She probably did look terrible; she certainly _felt_ terrible.

Carefully, she walked into the room as her eyes gradually focused on her surroundings. The place was almost empty, save one or two people, due to the early hour of the day. It was the first place she had seen, so she didn't really care what state it was in, but was surprised by how quiet it was.

"Thanks," she said in reply, her voice a little raspy. She made her way over to one of the small tables, noting from the corner of her eye that the person who greeted her was the barista. The older woman made her way from behind the bar to where Suki now sat, a grubby notepad in hand and a disapproving glint in her eye.

"So?" the woman asked. "What'll you have?"

Suki blinked. "What do you have?"

"You came in here not knowing what you wanted?"

"I didn't know I was supposed to have the menu memorised in advance," Suki answered, unable to keep impatience from giving her voice a bite. She was tired, hungry and heartbroken. She _really_ wasn't in the mood for this.

She was sure that the barista was going to throw her out on the spot, and she started getting up, but to her surprise, the older woman laughed, a long and loud guffaw of a laugh that seemed to fill the entire space.

It had been a long time since Suki had heard anyone laugh. At least, it felt that way. Suki managed a small smile, but even then, despite the fact that the sound of laughter felt good, it still hurt too much to laugh herself.

"Can I just have something warm, like soup, and some tea?" Suki wondered softly.

In the end, the barista seemed to warm to her. She gave Suki a huge bowl of creamy potato soup flavoured with lentils and only charged her for a small. Suki was grateful, since a quite assessment of her coinpurse proved that she was getting skint with all of her careless traveling. She couldn't even afford a place to stay quite yet.

She sighed into her soup. She knew that she was acting pathetic, but even when she tried to think of something else, just one though of Sokka - and in turn, Toph - made her want to curl up under the table and cry. And _those_ thoughts just made her _angry._..

 _Everything changes and nothing stays the same..._

When she was finished, Suki paid the barista and tried to tip as nicely as possible without forcing her into even worse poverty than she already was. She left without a second thought, her mind already miles away, buried in cold snow.

 _  
_

* * *

_  
_

Suki decided early that she was going to sleep outside again. There was something about the fresh cool air of the Earth Kingdom that seemed just _right_ to her. Her heart felt too hot and her mind felt too cold, but with the calm air and solid earth surrounding her, she felt better.

It was strange; Suki was born off the island of Kyoshi, but she had always considered herself a Kyoshi girl through-and-through. For the first time in a long time, she felt more like an Earth Kingdom woman and no longer separate.

It confused her. Did it mean she didn't want to return to Kyoshi? Did it mean she wanted to go home, or did it mean something else?

 _What does_ anything _mean now?_ She thought, a flare of sudden anger biting into her gut.

She stopped, looking around her. She was a long way from where she started, but that was as far as her knowledge took her. The small inn was the only building she had seen in days, and from the looks of her surroundings, she still had several days to go before she found more.

She sighed, then found a shaded patch of grass and sat in it. She knew she should be hungry, after hours of just _walking_ , but if she was she didn't feel it, and even if she did she found herself caring very little. She folded her legs to her chest and hugged them, resting her chin on her knees, her eyes shutting. _I should have thought ahead,_ she thought.

It wasn't until much later that she realised she wasn't just thinking about her little trip into the Earth Kingdom; it was about her _whole life._ She had been so sure that Sokka was going to be with her _for life_. There was very little in her mind to doubt that. For the first few years during the new peace, Sokka was barely seen away from her, always helping her, first in Ba Sing Se, at home on Kyoshi Island. He was a staple, a key component, and he had always made himself visible, always kept himself _right there_. Of _course_ it was easy to assume that he would stay there...

Suki opened her eyes, looking at nothing. _I took it for granted that he would always be there._

His relationship with Toph wasn't as out-of-the-blue as it felt. She had various hints about it over the years, especially when Toph and Sokka would go drinking and come back all touchy-feely and laughing. Suki had always felt jealous around them for that, since Sokka had never laughed with _her_ that way, had never thought to go drinking with _her_ like that...but she had always thought it was _just_ jealousy, something that was _her problem_. She never would have guessed that it was more than a deep and wonderful friendship.

 _Ah, it hurts,_ she thought, gritting her teeth against the pain in her chest, her eyes running over and dripping onto her knees. _It hurts so bad, to be so stupid, so full of hope for something, to want and yearn and love, only to have it all burn up in my face._ In all of her years as a Warrior, she had been hurt dozens of times over, but nothing - _nothing -_ felt worse than this kind of pain.

* * *

Suki hadn't realised she fell asleep until she woke up. She was curled on her side awkwardly, her legs bent up and her arms sprawled out, and she groaned, the position sending aches through her. She opened her eyes and eased out of the horrible position - only to freeze. It was nighttime. She had slept the day away!

If this had been any time and place - especially during the Long Nights - Suki would have panicked. Indeed, she even felt the initial stirrings of the emotion before she realised, quite suddenly, that _it didn't matter_. Right now, she had no where to be. Right now, she had no one to see. She could sleep a week and it wouldn't matter.

The sad thoughts made her ache inside, but instead of curling up on herself, she got to her feet. She needed to take care of more urgent needs, and no amount of self-pity would change that. Lucky for her, the copse she had chosen as her bedroom was thick with trees and offered privacy from the main trail, so she was left undisturbed.

Probably the worst part - _other than having to find a place to pee in the dark in some strange woods_ \- was the fact that she was hungry and thirsty again and felt horribly grimy with sweat and dirt and who knew what else. With a sigh, she walked deeper into the copse, using both her eyes and nose to try and find some source of water to use to clean up.

She probably should have been afraid, since she was lost in the dark woods alone and a woman. But if the past few days had proven anything, it was that she could hold her own against aggressors who sought her harm. She had come a long way from the green little Warrior she had been fighting against Azula, Ty Lee, and Mai.

Besides, there was something serene in the stillness of the night, something that hinted that the world was sleeping along with the sun and she could do anything without a sound. It was comforting.

It took a while, but Suki finally managed to find a place. It was a medium-sized pit of water, one that had a small stream leading from it, so the source was probably from some place bigger. When she leaned in and dipped a hand in for a test, she found the water cool and clear. She dangled her fingers in for a moment, testing for any kind of fish life that might want a taste of her, but none came, so she decided it was good enough.

The night air was pleasant on her skin as she undressed. It wasn't cold enough to give her a chill, but it was cool enough to wake her up and keep her thoughts clear and her eyes open. She liked that. She had always liked that. As she lowered herself into the water, she found that it was a little more bracing, but she got used to it quick enough, so she could deal with it. She sighed, just lying there for a moment, intent on not thinking of anything other than the fact that she was in nice water and that she was going to be clean soon.

When she found herself feeling more awake, she reached to her clothes and dug around, searching through her bag for that one emergency bar of soap she always kept on her, just in case. She found it, and her world was filled with the use of it for several more moments. She was intent on getting the days' worth of grime and fury off of her skin and hair. She was tired of feeling like someone other than who she was.

Once she was clean, she set the soap aside and just floated in the water, her eyes shut. She felt cleaner than she should, and she wondered if she had somehow cleaned the part of her inside that was hurting so badly. It was a nice thought.

She opened her eyes and leaned back, looking up into the blanket of stars above her. With a jolt, she realised that, without her noticing, the moon had crested above her and was hovering like a beacon a little to the left of her head. She stared, her heart thudding hard within her breast. A sudden thought came unbidden to her, one she fought to claw away, but it came to her all the same.

 _  
_

* * *

_  
_

_"So..." she said, leaning in close to Sokka and grinning. It was shortly after that horrible play, and Suki was in the mood for teasing. "The Moon Spirit, huh? Did you really make out, or was that just something made up like most of the rest of it?"_

 _Sokka reddened, just like he had in the theatre. "It, uh, happened," he admitted._

 _She blinked, surprised. "Really! You have to tell me the story!"_

 _When he scowled and tried to move away, she grabbed his arm and dragged him back. "Come on, Sokka! Tell me a story! Don't be such a baby. What, are you worried about_ my _feelings? Please!"_

 _So he relented, and told her everything._

 _And in the end, she found herself feeling bad for teasing him._

* * *

Now she stared up at the celestial body above her, unable to tear her gaze away. The moon. A girl - barely a woman - named Yue. _You had loved him too, once, didn't you?_ Suki found herself thinking, her eyes stinging. _Only he had to let you go, and not the other way around..._

The tears fell, joining the water that enveloped her skin. But they felt different this time. Oddly, they felt...almost...soothing. It was a nice change. It didn't stop the tears, but it helped her, deeper within.

  



	3. Chapter 3

  


Suki eventually found her second wind. She started travelling in earnest, snapping herself out of her endless cycle of wandering and deciding on a goal, if only to have one: Ba Sing Se. She wasn't sure why it was her choice, but she figured that it was better than picking fights and beating people up while sleeping in the dirt and being broke.

Along the way, like she did with the other Warriors, she took up odd jobs to make some money or have some food and a roof to sleep under. She fell into the pattern as easily as she had back then, only it was even easier with just herself to take care of.

It was odd, but this was the first time that Suki found herself spending time with _herself._ All of her life, she had always been surrounded by others; her sisters, her fellow Warriors, Aang and the others, and then the Warriors and Sokka again. She had always thought she had known herself through-and-through, that she always knew who she was no matter the situation. Even in prison, when she was alone all of that time in her single cell, she had always thought of when she would be surrounded by others again. She had never thought to spend time with just _herself._

Being on the road, getting to know her fellow countrymen and women, exploring the different towns and people...she spent more time with herself than she had ever done in her whole life.

And one of the first things she learned was that she was independent, but also dependant on the company of others. She could stand on her own two feet, but did better when others were ringed around her.

Another thing she realised about herself was that she had never allowed herself to let loose and give into those little ideas that she always had, but put away because she had other things to do involving other people.

All of that changed when she was alone. She learned to follow her instincts, to not worry about reactions of others. She realised that everything she thought about herself were actually things she had _made_ herself to believe. It was her way of adjusting, and of coping.

The nights were worse. During the day she could spend time with herself, learn who she was and start to _like_ herself. But at night, when she was alone, when her hand subconsciously reached to the other side of the bed to find it empty and cold, she crumbled, just a bit. She would remember all of those moments of stolen time with Sokka, during wartime and peacetime.

He was her first love. Her first almost _everything._ The first boy she actually found herself wondering about, wondering what he was doing and why he did them. And when she was with him, when she knew what he was doing and it was all done with her _there_ , it felt... _good._ Perfect. Relaxing and amazing. Funny and safe. Exciting and adventurous.

No longer hers.

Nights...were _bad_.

But when the sun peeked through and splashed upon her face every morning, no matter where she was, she was able to get up and keep moving. She was looking forward. The past was past. She needed to make her future for herself.

* * *

Once in Ba Sing Se, she beelined for a specific place, the destination in mind one of the first places on her list. Part of her was hoping for it to be a safe haven, but another part was also afraid - since it was a place that was a favourite to everyone in their little group.

And there were two faces she wasn't quite sure she was ready to see yet.

But she went anyway, aiming for a time very early in the morning. Her entry into the city was far different than her first real visit there - at that time, everyone was full of joy and happiness that most places were left neglected in favour of elaborate and rowdy celebrations for the Avatar and his friends.

Now, it seemed like a regular and bustling city. It was relaxed, yes - but it was also happy and exciting and full of life and chaos, just like any other place. She couldn't imagine what it was like when it was the centre of battle and war.

She chose to visit the Jasmine Dragon as early in the morning as possible, knowing that at that hour, the only people she would likely encounter from her group of friends would be Aang, Katara, or possibly Ty Lee. When she walked in, the place was sparsely populated but the faces within were happy and calm. She saw no sign of Iroh, though, who she wanted to see in the first place.

She was walked over to a small table and given a menu, which she looked over and noticed that some new items were added to it - a couple of Zuko's and Aang's favourite snacks. She smiled, a bubble of warmth forming in her stomach for the first time in what felt like ages. She hadn't seem them in a while, and missed them.

When a waiter came by to take her order, she looked up - and almost choked to death on her own surprise. "Z-Zuko!" she spluttered.

He blushed, then waved a hand at her, leaning down and looking around in embarrassment. "Shh!" he hissed, looking desperate. "I don't want the whole city to know I'm here."

"What are you doing here?" Suki answered, both amused and a little ruffled (how often does one have their thoughts confirmed that way?).

Zuko sighed, setting down the tray and sitting across from her. "I needed a break from the Palace, and so is Mai." He then blinked, looking at her closer. "What are _you_ doing here? Mai is on her way to Kyoshi Island to visit Ty Lee...and _you_."

Suki fussed with the menu, looking down at it, desperate to avoid his gaze. "I...left for a while. I haven't been there in several weeks." She looked up suddenly. "Wait, nobody told you..."

Zuko looked bemused. "Tell me what?"

The words tried up in her throat. She felt her face heat up, but not from embarrassment. She was still hurting, and not eager to spread the news of her pain around, even to people she was close with, like Zuko. "Uh," she stammered.

Zuko, however, seemed to realise he was walking on shaky ground, for he also went red and cleared his throat. "If I haven't heard about it yet, it's probably none of my business."

His consideration touched her. She smiled. "It's okay," she admitted honestly. "Sokka and I have broken up. He's with Toph now, in the South." Her voice wavered, and caught on Sokka's name, but to her surprise, she didn't tear up, which - to her - was a great success.

His reaction was a surprise, and it made her feel much better than ever before. His face fell, then got angry, his hands tightening on his tray. "You should have told me sooner," he said softly, gritting his teeth. "I would have invaded the south sooner, just to get that idiot behind bars and away from the world's women."

Suki laughed, a real laugh, and the sound seemed to bemuse Zuko even further. "You make him sound like a disease!"

Zuko scowled. "I can't believe he would do this. What an idiot! And to think I ever took any advice from him!"

It was silly, but his indignant behaviour on her behalf made her feel worlds better. He was acting like her older sisters would - protective, annoyed, and ready to attack the person responsible for Suki's pain. It was also really sweet.

"Don't worry about it," she replied. "I'll be fine."

" _Lee!"_

Both Suki and Zuko jumped, especially since the voice was familiar - just not so familiar in that tone and volume. Zuko paled and got to his feet, and standing at the door of the kitchen was Iroh, hands on his hips. "What are you doing sitting on the job-oh!" And the stern look on his face vanished into a warm smile as he caught sight of Suki. "Well, what have we here?"

Zuko stayed standing as Iroh made his way over, holding the tray to his chest and looking wary. Suki mused over that in silence; Zuko still responded to the name "Lee" while working in the teashop, and took his job seriously, despite being one of the most powerful men in the entire world. She knew that it was to protect his own identity, but Suki wondered if it really was necessary - he was pretty recognisable regardless.

Another thing she noticed that within the teashop, Iroh was the lord. Zuko loved and respected his uncle more than anyone else in the world, and his working in the shop while he tried to relax from the stress of politics was also his way to pay Iroh back for years of taking care of him. He was always desperate to do his best, so when Iroh yelled, he was quick to ensure he corrected himself.

But Iroh, Suki pondered, wasn't quite serious when he yelled at his nephew. He used loud words and stern glances, but Suki couldn't help but notice the affection and laughter in his eyes. Zuko may take it seriously, but Iroh was merely trying to keep him on his toes - offering a distraction.

"How are you, Suki?" Iroh wondered, breaking her out of her reverie and sitting where Zuko had been moments before. "We haven't seen you in a while!"

"Um," Zuko broke in. "Can I sit too?"

Iroh looked at him. "Nephew, we are still open. There are orders to take, still. Suki, what would you like to drink? We have a lovely orange blend today."

She nodded. "I trust your judgment," she agreed.

Zuko sighed, long-suffering, then rolled his eyes and stormed off towards the kitchen. Iroh chuckled, and Suki gave him a mock-glare. "You're so hard on him," she scolded.

Iroh laughed again. "Oh, please? He crashes on me and my teashop in order to avoid other politicians, then he will be put to work."

Suki propped her chin on her hand. "How often does he come here?"

"Not often," Iroh admitted, his eyes now following Zuko around the shop as he handed out steaming mugs of tea, looking somewhat flustered when engaged in smalltalk with the patrons. "But enough to concern me."

"Trouble?" Suki wondered.

"Well, perhaps not trouble, but unrest, perhaps. I worry about him, which is why I do not turn him away. If I can keep an eye on him while calming him down, then we both win - and so does the Fire Nation." Iroh's gaze was still on Zuko, his expression wistful and thoughtful. "He can do it - I know he can - but he just needs to find his flow."

Suki looked down. "I know how that feels," she admitted. "I'm still trying to find mine."

"Ah, yes," Iroh nodded slowly, looking sympathetic. "So I have heard."

Suki wasn't surprised one bit. She had known early on that Toph and Iroh were friends and still spoke at length. If anything, Iroh knew the whole sordid affair from Toph's side. But she also knew that Iroh wasn't one to take sides, nor was he one to refuse comfort and sympathy when it was deserved. He knew that Suki had been wronged in this instance, despite being friends with Toph, and he felt bad for her.

She nodded. "Yeah..." she sighed. "And I just don't quite know where I stand. I always thought it would be at Sokka's side, and now he's not there anymore. Where do I stand? Am I always going to stand alone?"

Iroh nodded, looking at her, now. "And have you found out yet?"

She sighed, sagging a little. Had she? Had she found a place to stand on her own, yet? Would she ever?

Was this whole time alone just a waste of time?

"Suki?" Iroh's voice again brought her back to earth and she looked up. "Are you...alright?"

"I..."

Zuko reappeared, thankfully keeping her from answering with a lie. He set down Suki's mug, then set one down in front of Iroh. "Ginseng," he murmured with a soft smile, before turning away to attend to other tables.

Suki watched him, finding that really sweet. Iroh smiled and inhaled the bouquet of the tea slowly, before taking a small sip. "Another reason why I allow him to work here is because he seems to enjoy it," he said. "He knows how to do it, and he seems happy."

Suki smiled warmly. "He wants to make _you_ happy."

"He does," Iroh agreed, looking both sad and please, if it were possible. "But I also want him to be happy, too."

Suki sipped her tea, a pleasing citrus flavour filling her mouth. She smiled, then looked at Iroh. "I think he is, in his own way."

Iroh looked doubtful, but he shook his head and smiled faintly. "You are not hear to worry about my own worries," he said with a chuckle. "What do you need?"

Suki fidgeted with her mug a little, unsure of what to say. _Did_ she need anything? _Had_ she found what she wanted?

"Suki," Iroh said gently, and she looked up, feeling a lump in her throat all of a sudden. She looked down, blinking hard, feeling small and ashamed all of a sudden. She had been fine, really fine, but when forced to think about it...she still felt...

... _adrift._

"Are you alright?" he asked again.

"Have you ever just felt as if you were so sure of what you wanted, what you are, and then find out that you were wrong and were the last person to know it?" she burst out, jerking her head up and meeting Iroh's gaze with her own. "And no one told you until everything was already crumbled around you?"

Iroh was quiet, and Suki felt her face heat up again in embarrassment. She looked away, glaring at the wall. "Sorry," she grated out. "I guess I haven't really gotten over it, yet."

She felt stupid, but Iroh didn't push it. He merely sipped his tea, his eyes downcast. Instead, he said, "These things take time to sort out. You can't expect to steep leaves into hot water for so long and expect the leaves to taste as potent as before. You just need to find your feet."

"All I've found out is that being alone is fine, but aimless and dull," Suki answered.

"Then perhaps you need to find an aim, Suki."

She looked over at him and saw that he was not looking at her, but at Zuko. She frowned, not quite sure what he meant by that. The two watched in silence as Zuko darted around, trying to get every order as the numbers within the shop increased. He was the only one on shift so far, so he was spread thin. Despite this, however, while he looked hurried, he didn't look as stressed as usual. He looked...normal. As normal as Zuko could look, anyway.

Suki's mind clicked and she looked over at Iroh. He was already looking at her with a smile. With surprise, she smiled back.

Zuko appeared at their table, looking rushed and annoyed. "Are you going to want to eat anything or should I just _leave_ the teapot here for you?"

"What, and deprive you of a chance to earn tips?" Suki teased.

Zuko snorted, rolling his eyes. "When have I even been tipped?" he answered, turning and walking away to grab several steaming mugs left for him near the front.

"It's a good idea," Suki said softly. "But do you really think I could do it?"

"I think there is no one else in the world that could," Iroh answered.

  



	4. Chapter 4

  


"Wow," Mai said, her voice flat. "You look...pretty much the same."

Suki scowled at her through the mirror. "I do not. And I don't think red is my colour."

Mai snorted, walking over to her side. "It is now," she replied.

Suki smiled at her reflection this time. "I suppose it is."

Mai was right; she didn't look much different, it was true. The facepaint was slightly different, but still had variations of bright white and red. The clothing was more close-fitting, lacking the flowing robes and including more armour. She looked like herself...but a different version.

"I think it's great, what you're doing," Mai said suddenly, surprising Suki. "I know that Zuko is an idiot and thinks he can handle everything himself, and I know he thinks that there really isn't anything to worry about, but it's crap and you and I both know it."

"So does Iroh," Suki agreed. "He was the one that recommended this to me."

Mai smiled. "Hm. I'll remember that. Especially if you end up horrible."

Suki made a face. "Thanks, Mai," she answered flatly. Mai smirked, and in the end she had to laugh, just a bit.

* * *

Suki walked through the curtains, holding her head tall and making sure her gait was even. She was nervous and not quite sure why - after all, it was just Zuko - but she also could feel dozens of pairs of eyes on her as she walked towards the raised dais. Upon it sat Mai and Zuko, surrounded by low and cool red flames, awaiting her arrival. Flanking the narrow pathway she walked were Zuko's most trusted advisors, the ones that would have to answer to her.

That is, answer to her if she got this right.

She had heard the gist of what she was going to be from both Mai and Iroh, about how there used to be a very small sect of women that were hired and trained to be the Palace's personal guard. During the days of Sozin, the practise had gradually faded into nothing, no longer needed or thought about. There had been murmurs of bringing it back once the war began in earnest, but nothing ever came of it.

It had been Iroh's idea. Suki had been serious about that. He had ordinarily just suggested that she stay in the capitol for a while, maybe help out and use the cover as being on vacation. It was Mai who mentioned that perhaps it was time to revive the old practise, an idea that both Iroh and Suki thought was great.

Zuko, at first, was angry, which was predictable. He thought it was an insult to him, to how he ruled, and he protested it. But then Mai and Suki teamed up on him and beat him down with logic: he needed help, and Suki was the best for the job. She knew how to make it look like she wasn't helping at all.

In the end, the logic one, and here she was, looking every bit like she had been born and raised in the Fire Nation - all but for her bright blue eyes, emphasised by the paint and the glow of the flames. There was also a problem - she wasn't a firebender, which was also a breech of tradition. (But then, Zuko didn't really follow tradition as much.)

There were whispers, but she ignored those, too. Wordlessly, she stopped in front of the dais and prostrated before Mai and Zuko, her eyes closed. The floor was cold beneath her hands, but it kept her rooted.

The ceremony was short, and went by in a blur. She said everything by memory, the words swooping through her like a chain, leaving no mark but keeping her heavy with emotion. All she knew that, by the end, as she rose to her feet and held her hands before her in the Fire Nation style, no word of protest rose from anyone's lips. When she looked up and saw Zuko and Mai gazing at her with respect, a stirring calm filled her from head to toe. She smiled faintly, then lowered her head once more.

* * *

They did meet again, a few months later. The problem with their group was that everyone in it was world-famous now, and rumours spread faster than wildfires in a drought-suffering land. By the time Suki's appointment as Royal Guard reached the shores of the Southern Water Tribe, the reports were greatly exaggerated, and both Sokka and Toph were regaled with the news that Suki had taken over the Fire Nation and Zuko was her slave.

However, when they walked into Zuko's receiving room, they found him without collar and chain, although standing at his left side was a very different Suki indeed. It was a little weird to see her that way, but not as weird as it was to see Sokka and Toph again after so long.

As Mai, Zuko and Toph spoke amicably, Suki and Sokka stood together, about a foot apart. Sokka looked embarrassed, a hand at the back of his neck and his ears red. Suki smiled a little; that was pretty much what she had been expecting from him, to be honest.

"You look so...different," Sokka said finally.

Suki smiled wider, wryly this time. "I do not, and you know it. I just look _red_."

Sokka laughed a little, looking at her shyly. "Yeah, you really do. Like someone hit you with a Fire Nation stick."

Suki's laugh was smaller, but real. "This is weird, isn't it?"

"Yes!" Sokka agreed, relaxing instantly. "It's so weird! I mean...you never told me you were coming here. I would have come sooner or something."

"I didn't really know either, Sokka," she answered softly. "It just sort of all...fell into place."

A silence passed between them, broken by the sound of Toph's loud bellylaugh and a groan from Zuko.

"Are you happy?" Suki wondered suddenly, surprising both Sokka and herself. He blinked at her, eyes wide. "I mean...no, that's what I mean. Are you happy? Is...is it everything you ever wanted?"

Sokka's face lit up. It was bittersweet, really; she had only ever seen that kind of look when he used to look at _her_ , but now, it was for Toph. At the same time, however, she felt a sort of affection for him, glad that he was happy in the first place.

"Yeah, I mean..." Sokka tugged at his wolf's tail shyly, smiling like a guy in love... _which was what he is._ "It's so great. Toph..." he hesitated, but when she merely smiled, he went on. "She really seems to enjoy life in the south. I thought she would be miserable without access to the earth, but somehow she makes it work. And she's so...well...things are never dull, anyway." And he laughed, a sound that hurt her, deeply, because it was a laugh she had never heard before.

Sokka stopped, looking wary. "Are...are you okay?" he wondered.

It still hurt. She had a feeling that it would always hurt when she saw him. But now...now she felt strong enough to face it all.

"Yeah," she said softly, giving him another smile. "I'm okay."

  



End file.
